Nekkid Brownies

I’ve got to admit I’m a little obsessed by Pioneer Woman’s recipes. It’s probably because I’m diabetic and my poor little beta cells can’t take most of her recipes. But she’s very unafraid to kill ya with her recipes. I love it.

Every time I make one of her recipes, or most of the time, they are near gone within a day. That’s not to say I haven’t been disappointed with some of her stuff, but most of it is pretty damn good. And I’ve NEVER had an “ew that’s gross” experience with her stuff, just some “not as good as it looked” kind of stuff. Yet, I have to say most of her recipes are EXCELLENT, way higher a “damn that’s good percentage” than other recipe touters out there!

So I saw the recipe on her site for Knock You Naked Brownies. In the spirit of not stepping on any toes, I’m not going to actually post the recipe here but tell you to look it up right now. Just search Pioneer Woman Knock You Naked Brownies. You’ll find it.

So, first I greased up a pan. It says use a 9×9, I used an 8×8 cause that’s what I had. IMPROVISE DAMNIT!

Then I used my handy dandy food processor to chop up the nuts

Then it’s time to melt the butter

And don’t forget some of the evaporated milk

This recipe cheats a little and asks you to use cake mix. So here’s the one I used.

Now you are to mix the milk, butter, nuts and cake mix together to form a thick batter. In go the nuts and mix.

Then the milk

Then the butter

Now mix the ever living hell out of it. Actually, you don’t want to over mix, it’s just VERY stiff in the beginning, but it ends up more pliable.

And eventually you get this. Well it still needs more mixed but you get the picture. (HERP! unintended pun…I’m a dork…anyway)

Now you’ve got to press half of this into the pan and bake it for a bit.

While it’s baking, I decided to melt the caramels. I use a double boiler for this because I hate doing anything in the microwave. So, first the rest of the evaporated milk

Then the caramels on the stove in the double boiler

That’s right, you have to unwrap every damn one of them. Don’t worry, it’s worth it. Now pour the milk in with the caramels and set it to meltin’!

And it’ll turn into a gooey stick smooth beautiful mess. *drool*

Once your caramels are melted and the brownie thingee is cooked, you want to pour the caramel over the brownie thingee. That’s right, I have a skull spoon rest. Wanna fight about it?

Now you are gonna measure out some chocolate chips. I used semi sweet minis.Pour those on top.

Now comes the hard part. She says to go ahead and roll out the rest of the brownie dough on a surface and place it on top. Yeah. I couldn’t do that. My brownie dough was way too moist for that. So I just kind of flattened it in my hands and plopped it on top. Worked fine.

Now pop that puppy back in the oven and out comes this:

Now, that doesn’t look too impressive. HOWEVER, the middle is a beautiful sticky caramel chocolately goo of a mess and it’s beautiful. I stuck mine in the freezer to let it cool because otherwise it takes hours and hours and hours for it to cool, and there was no way the vultures in this house were going to wait that long without holding a gun to my head and demanding their caramel brownie goodness.

I sifted some powdered sugar on top when it was cool and served it up. It was GOOD don’t get me wrong, but it wasn’t amazing to me. That could very well be because I’m not longer acclimated to the super sweet american diet thing (stupid diabetes) but it was GOOD. Really good. It kind of reminded me of a turtle brownie, though it wasn’t as sweet as I expected since there is no frosting, so that was definitely a good thing. Everyone else however thought it was amazing. My BFF came walking over here just to have one when she heard I was making them. They didn’t last over night.

They are a new request in this house, so it’s totally worth trying. Especially if you’re body doesn’t send you into a coma at the sight of sugar!

Pioneer Woman’s UNREAL Nantucket Cranberry Pie

Very, very few times have I ever made a recipe and gone HOLY CRAP! Maybe it’s because I’m used to eating a primal style diet, so whenever I go “HOLY CRAP” about something it’s an apple, or a steak, or something that runs or grows.

I’m diabetic, so I have a serious limit on anything processed. I’m also a huge fan of Pioneer Woman. If you don’t know who she is, go look her up. She has amazing recipes.

There’s a little app on my IPad that lets me custom import recipes. So I was browsing through her site one day and came across Cranberry Pie. Interesting, I thought, especially since the recipe had no crust whatsoever. No pie crust I mean. It confused me. I asked a fellow PW fan about it, to see if she had made it, because we were both confused about the lack of crust. But ok, I thought, challenge accepted.

I like cranberries. I do. They aren’t my favorite, they are so dry. Most of the time I’ll take something strawberry over something cranberry but it’s the holidays and hell, it’s worth a shot. The recipe seemed fairly easy, which is why I didn’t really take pictures of me making it (sorry!).

As I was making it I was going “this is far too easy.” I expected it would come out “meh” or “good enough.” I was wrong.

This freakin pie made me go “HOLY CRAP.”

There is no way to describe it really except that it’s the perfect blend of sweet and tart. It’s just damn good. Good enough that I had an entire piece of it. A big ole my-vision-is-going-blurry-and-I’m-feeling-hyper-and-boy-do-I-know-the-come-down-from-this-is-gonna-be-hell-but-it’ll-be-worth-it blood sugar sky rocketing diabetic coma inducing piece. And it was worth it.

This recipe reminded me SO MUCH of a cake/pie type thing my Polish grandmother used to make with blueberries. I wouldn’t say it’s a dead ringer, but it’s damn close.

Here’s a pic of the pie half prepared:

Half of that is batter, the white stuff is pure sugar. Sugar. SUGAR I TELL YOU! And more sugar goes on top. But that’s what I love about her, she’s not afraid to half kill you in her recipes.

Here’s a pic of it done:

Yup, that’s more sugar.

This baby was GONE in a flash, didn’t even take a full night. Tex told me it was good with chocolate peppermint ice cream on top, but he’s weird, and I think that sounds gross. I didn’t even try it. But between 3 people, with me only having 1 piece, that bad boy scarce lasted 8 hours in my house.

It’s a new favorite. It’s a new holiday pie, it’s a new “ya’ll done good here’s a treat” pie and it’s one of my favorite sweet desserts now. That says A LOT for me because I generally, for all that I like to cook, tend to like eat simple things. Berries and cream are like top 5 on my list, simple and delicious. So you know it’s gotta be DAMN good for me to say that.

It’s orgasmic. Try it.

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From thepioneerwoman.com site. This is HER recipe not mine, and it’s GOD like. Apparently it’s adapted from a recipe by Laurie Colwin.

Ingredients:

butter for greasing

2 heaping cups of cranberries (I used thawed frozen, hers doesn’t specify)

3/4 cup pecans, chopped (measure, then chop)

2/3 cup sugar

1 cup flour

1 cup sugar

1 stick unsalted butter, melted

2 whole eggs lightly beaten

1 tsp pure almond extract

1/4 tsp salt

1 T sugar for sprinkling

Preheat oven to 350.

Generously butter a cake pan or pie pan.  Add cranberries to the bottom of the pan. Sprinkle on chopped pecans, then sprinkle on the 2/3 cup of sugar.

In a mixing bowl, combine flour, 1 cup sugar, melted butter, eggs, almond extract, and salt. Stir gently to combine.

Pour batter slowly over the top in large ribbons to cover the surface evenly. Spread gently if necessary.

Bake 45-50 minutes. 5 minutes before removing from oven, sprinkle surface with 1 TB sugar for extra crunch.

Cut into wedges and serve with ice cream or freshly whipped cream.

Really Tasty Fried Pork Thingees

I found this recipe on my Ipad recipe app. It’s called Jaeger Schnitzel. I have no idea what that means or why it’s called that, but I wanted to try it. So I did.

It was a little complicated if you are used to quick cooking, but totally worth it. TOTALLY. It’s a new favorite. The recipe kind of sucks in that it’s VERY vague and I think they may have left an ingredient or two out of the instructions. Every recipe I’ve tried that came with this app has done that, so I worked around it.

This is something to try if you are looking for something different. It sounds and looks fancy, it’s a little time consuming, but it’s not NEAR as much work as it looks like once it’s served. So good for dinner parties kind of thing. At least I think so.

This recipe has wine in it. Truth be told I’ve never been huge on wine IN dinner. With dinner, yes. In dessert, yes. But IN dinner, no not really. I tend to find that when people put wine in their food, that’s all you can taste. I hate that. This wasn’t the case here. Most of the wine taste was cooked off leaving only a hint and it really worked. Plus it’s fun getting drunk while you are making it.

I happened to buy a bunch of little bottles of wine, you know, the cheapy ones for like a dollar because I needed the bottles. I put all the wine into a 2 liter soda bottle (classy I know), so I had a “blended” wine. It was a mix of white zin, cabernet, pinot noir, and chardonay. Wasn’t bad either.

You can use either pork or veal for this. I used pork.

First things first, you need to dredge the meat in a flour and bread crumb mixture. So grab your flour and put it in a container long enough to dredge in.

Now add in the bread crumbs and mix it up

Now slice up some green onions and mushrooms and set those to the side.

Chop up some celery and carrots, and onion and add a little parsley. Put that to the side.

I like to prep everything before hand. Feels like it gives me a free hand once everything is really getting going. Now you need beef broth. I just made mine out of beef bouillon granules.

Now you are gonna need to beat one egg

Put your oil in your pan and heat it up nice and hot.

In a separate pan, start cooking some bacon until it’s crispy.

You don’t actually HAVE to do that. You can do that before you make it or use bacon bits. I just like fresh bacon.

Now dip your meat in egg, then in flour. You know the drill. You don’t want it BATTERED, just dredged.

Now put these in the hot oil, searing both sides. Not too long. Just enough to brown it slightly.

Remove the meat from the pan and add the celery, carrots, onion and parsley and saute.

Now add the wine to the veggies and cook until the wine is reduced by half. Drink some of the wine before you pour it in. You know, just to test it.

Once it’s reduced add the beef stock and simmer.

Now add your meat. It’ll be more like boiling it because there is so much liquid but don’t worry, it’ll reduce. You want to simmer the meat until it’s cooked through and tender. The amount of time depends on the cut of the meat, the type, etc. And don’t worry, they won’t get too soggy or gross, just trust me.

By your second batch, if you have a second batch, it’ll be reduced to like a thick sauce. It’s pretty cool. And it’s really good. While that’s cooking, go ahead and start the mushrooms and green onions and crumble your bacon if you’ve decided to make your own.

Heat some butter in a pan.

I used the bacon pan, so it had all the nice dripping and black bits from the bacon in it. Yummy. Now add your mushrooms and onions.

Saute those until they are tender. Put them in a bowl with the torn up bacon.

Take your meat out of the pan when it’s done and put it somewhere warm.

Now the wine sauce should be a true reduction. Kind of sticky, thick, and oh so good. So you are gonna add the mushroom-bacon-green onion mixture to the reduction and saute it a little bit.

Once they are nicely nestled into the sauce, go ahead and turn off the heat. Put the meat on a place and pour some of that sauce on top. Serve.

You can serve this with rice or noodles or mashed potatoes. I did mine without any, obviously, yet again, diabetes. But I didn’t mind at all. This was really excellent.

It’s kind of labor intensive in that it’s a lot of prep work, or rather, it’s a lot compared to what I normally make for dinner, but it’s so worth it. Every last bit got eaten and requests to make it again were abound!

So grab a bottle of wine. A couple of  bottles glasses of wine while you are making dinner never hurt anyone 🙂

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Jaeger Schnitzel

Adapted from Recipe Book Selections

20 oz of veal or pork, thin sliced

flour, bread crumbs and pepper for dredging

3oz olive oil

1/2 cup onion, chopped

1/4 cup carrots, chopped

1/4 cup celery, chopped

parsley

2 cups of red wine

1 cup beef stock

2 oz diced bacon

6 green onions, green and white parts

2 cups fresh mushrooms, sliced

1 egg

Beat egg. Combine flour and crumbs and add a little black pepper. Dip meat in egg then dredge in flour.

Heat olive oil. Sear both sides of meat in hot oil. Remove and set to the side.

Add carrots, celery, onion, parsley and saute in the same oil. Pour in the wine and cook until the wine is reduced by half.

Add the beef stock to the wine mixture and simmer 5 minutes.

Place the meat back in the pan with the wine/stock mixture. Cook until tender and no pink remains, turning once.

Melt butter in separate pan. Add mushrooms and green onions, saute until tender. Remove from pan, add bacon, stir together gently in medium bowl.

Once meat is done, remove from pan and place in a baking dish in warm oven.

Put mushroom mixture in pan with the wine sauce and saute 3-5 minutes until vegetables have taken on some of the sauce’s flavor.

Pour sauce over meat and serve with rice, noodles, mashed potatoes or alone.

Clean This…

I don’t know about you all, but I’m constantly wiping off my counters. The damn things don’t stay clean. And as soon as I do clean them, I’ve started cooking again, which means they are dirty again. I go through a whole lot of spray cleaner.

I generally make my own cleaner. It doesn’t take long and it’s super easy on the pocket book. I figure the $3.00 I would spend on some all purpose chemical laden cleaner at the store could be more well used buying something else like kitchen gadgets. Or beer. Or ammo. Or the new Conan The Barbarian. (Ok, TERRIBLE movie, but who cares when Jason Momoa looks like that?!?)

Every once in awhile I’ve been known to splurge on a store bought cleaner. Yeah, it’s pretty pathetic. But I’m a scent person. It’s what I do for a living. So I’m constantly in search of new smells and when I run across a cleaner that smells great, I’ll pick it up. About once a year I do this. Most of the time though, I just make my own and make it smell like whatever I want. Within reason.

The recipe I have calls for castile soap of the liquid variety. Now, I’m a soapmaker by trade (I’ll spare you the shameless plug) but I’m not a fan of making liquid soaps. I like making bar soap and although you CAN make liquid cleaner out of bar soap it’s far more a pain in the ass than just using liquid. And the liquid works better for this purpose.

So I’ve got a tiny bottle of Dr. Bronners Castile Soap. Lavender scented. Beautiful. They also make Peppermint which is awesome. It works great in the shower too. Makes you feel clean especially in summer when you’re all sweaty. Course, I think Mr Super said it best when he used it for the first time. He said to me

“I don’t think I like that peppermint liquid soap in the shower. Can I have more of your soap instead? That peppermint soap feels like someone blew me with an altoid.”

Classy. But kinda true.

ANYWAY, vulgar side notes aside, this recipe is super easy and it works really well. You can always opt for unscented liquid castile soap and add some essential oils to make your own favorite scent.

So first you need your liquid castile

Like I said, I opted for lavender. But you can do any scent you want, or no scent at all, or add scent later. So versatile!

Now you are going to measure about 1 tsp of this stuff into a bowl.

Once you’ve done that you want to add 3 TB of lemon juice. Man, Lemon Lavender. That smells sooooo good.

Mix that up a bit. It’ll look a bit funky, that’s ok, don’t worry. It’ll incorporate. If you want to scent your cleaner, do it now by adding 10 drops of essential oils like lavender, orange, or time. Edible essential oils are best (if you are going to be cleaning counters), and stir that up a bit too.

Don’t worry about the funky consistency. Just stir it up a bit. Now add 1/4 cup of white vinegar and 2 cups of warm water. And stir that too.

Once that’s nice and mixed up, go ahead and pour it into a spray bottle. I just reuse an old sprayer bottle from some natural cleaner I bought awhile ago. Whatever works for you.

And you’ve got yourself a bunch of all purpose cleaner!

When you do the math on this it’s really super cheap. When you figure a 4oz bottle of that liquid castile soap is about $5 and will last you FOREVER considering this stuff only uses 1 tsp of it, vinegar is cheap, lemon juice is cheap, etc, it’s a great deal. It’s also totally customizable.

And don’t worry. You’re kitchen won’t smell like vinegar. The scent dissipates. Truth be told you could use straight vinegar and water and have the same effect, but this is fancier. It has a nicer smell. And I just like it more damnit!

Here’s the recipe

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All Purpose Spray Cleaner

1 tsp liquid castile soap, scented or unscented

3 TB lemon or grapefruit juice

10 drops of lavender, thyme, orange or peppermint essential oils–optional

1/4 cup of white vinegar

2 cups warm water

Combine soap and juice. Mix well, consistency will be a little cloudy. Add essential oils and stir.  Add vinegar and water, stir well, pour into spray bottle. Shake before using. Label the bottle well.

Satanic Chicken

I don’t remember where I ran across this recipe but I do remember I modified it a little bit. I’ve got picky eaters in this house. Don’t get be wrong, I don’t let that stop me. I go by my mother’s old motto:

If you are hungry enough, you’ll eat it.

One doesn’t like curry, the other doesn’t like creamy. One doesn’t like sweet, the other doesn’t like salt. What’s a girl to do? Tell them to shut the f&#k up and eat it, that’s what.

Anyway, I came across this recipe appropriately named Deviled Chicken. It sounded weird. After a moment’s contemplation I decided “eh, what the hell.” I find that’s the answer to most things in life.

Before you judge once you hear the ingredients, please don’t toss it aside. It’s actually VERY good. Even people who don’t like these ingredients tend to like this chicken. It’s super easy and it’s really good. Sinfully good. Just…trust me. Don’t bitch until you try it.

First, get some chicken. The recipe calls for a fryer chicken cup up. All I had were chicken quarters so, that’s what they get. Mind you make sure you line a cookie sheet with foil. And just a friendly tip: Make sure the cookie sheet has sides, like a lip on all sides. Yeah, I totally forgot about that. Chicken juice all over the oven floor.

Now sprinkle some seasoned salt on the chicken.

Now you are going to mix together some curry, butter, honey, mustard and salt. And I’m not showing you a picture of it because it looks like baby formula poop and you won’t want to make it. But seriously, trust me, it’s really good.

Ok, so spread the sauce on the chicken and bake the hell out of it brushing it with sauce once or twice before it’s done, and once more once it’s out of the oven. It turns a wonderful, tasty, juicy golden color when you are done. Man it’s so good!

See?

It’s one of those things you’ll have to trust me on. It’s delicious. And aside from the honey, it’s pretty diabetic friendly too. Ok, so the honey is really NOT diabetic friendly but it’s such a minimal amount.

Or that’s what I tell myself anyway.

I’ll stop pestering you and give you the recipe. Cause really. DO IT!

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Deviled Chicken

4 servings

1 fryer chicken, cut up

4 TB butter

1/2 cup honey

1/4 cup prepared mustard

1 tsp salt

1 tsp curry powder

1 1/2 tsp seasoned salt

Preheat oven to 375. Place chicken in large shallow baking pan or deep lined cookie sheet. Sprinkle chicken with seasoned salt.

Melt butter in large bowl. Stir in honey, mustard, salt and curry powder.

Brush sauce on chicken before placing in the oven, meaty side up. Bake for about an hour, basting with more sauce once or twice and again before serving.

Hershey Kisses Cookies Can Kiss My…

I actually really love Hershey Kisses cookies. My mother made these every year for Christmas as well. Being diabetic however, it’s another coma inducing cookie. But hell, what’s Christmas without a little diabetic coma here and there!

Problem is, Mr. B really likes these too. So, I have to be sneaky with these as well. Make a couple dozen, freeze the rest of the dough. Because if I were stupid enough, AGAIN, to make the 30 or 40 dozes I normally do they’d be all gone by the time Christmas came around and my loved ones would be cookie-gift-less.

Must be nice to be a person to whom sugar is not a poison but a source of fuel…..

Just kidding. It’s a poison to everyone. A yummy, yummy, poison.

There’s nothing about these damn things not to love. It’s chocolate. It’s peanut butter. It’s rolled in sugar. And it has a big ass dollop of chocolate on top. Hmmmmmmm. Coooommmaaaaa.

So let’s do this.

First, put in your sugar. Mind you I make like double batches of everything, the recipe is for a single batch. If you don’t have a stand mixer then you are a lost cause. I’ve been bugging you to get one for the last 10 posts!

Actually, if you don’t have a stand mixer I envy you. You are one of those people who doesn’t have a kitchen gadget habit and you feel like doing things the old fashioned way is really satisfying. So do I actually. I’m just exceptionally lazy.

Right, so, sugar.

Now put in your butter

Blurry butter. The best kind. Ok, now add in your brown sugar.

Now you are going to add your peanut butter. Peanut butter is a BITCH to get out of the measuring cup. So, there’s a trick for that. Line your measuring cup with a nice spray of Pam. Then measure the peanut butter and it’ll slide right out. In a strangely vulgar way actually.

Now you are going to cream all those together until it’s a really disturbing, creamy, lovely consistency. I usually do this with my paddle attachment on speed 2 for about a minute.

Now you need to add your egg and your vanilla.

Mix that together until nice and creamy.

Then you want to add in your flour, salt, and baking soda. Here is where the stand mixer comes in handy. The dough, once you add the flour, gets a little difficult to mix.

But once it incorporates it turns into a lovely, heavenly dough

Now you roll the dough into balls and roll them in sugar. Bake them. Press kisses into them. And bake them again. In just a few minutes, you have coma inducing material that’ll have you singing all the way to your saline drip.

See? Book your passage to the ER now all my diabetic friends.

You can freeze the dough on this too, especially if you live with cookie stealing gluttonous mongrels like I do. Again, it’s a softer cookie dough, so you want to store it in a freeze safe bowl with a lid and wrap it in some foil so it doesn’t get freezer burn. Then just defrost, roll in sugar, etc. etc. It’s that easy. And if those grubby fingers try to sneak cookie dough you’ll know because they will have to thaw it out first! HA! See! You’re smart, you got this…

Here’s the recipe. I sincerely hope you enjoy these. They are a classic and there’s a reason why. They should call them F&*@ ME THESE ARE GOOD cookies…just my opinion.

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Hershey Kisses Cookies

(from my mom’s recipe book that she no doubt probably got from the back of a bag of hershey’s kisses or something)

Cream together:

1/2c sugar

1/2c brown sugar, packed

1/2c peanut butter, creamy

1/2c margarine or butter

Then add:

1 egg

1 TB of vanilla

Stir together

Blend in:

1 3/4c flour

1 teaspoon baking soda

1/2 teaspoon salt

Mix until well blended.

Shape into balls, roll in granulated sugar and place on cookie sheet. Bake at 375 for 8 minutes.  Remove from oven. Press unwrapped hershey kisses into cookies and return to oven for 2-3 minutes.

My Gingerbread House Was Foreclosed On

Let me be clear. I HATE gingerbread houses. No. I hate making gingerbread houses. They are the most difficult thing on the face of this planet. And I can’t believe people actually force their children to do this for “fun”.

About 5 years ago I made my first gingerbread house. It wasn’t actually a house, it was a sleigh. Filled with holly jolly, The Texan and I had gone to Target and thought HEY! A gingerbread house (sleigh), that sounds like fun.

Famous last words.

After about two freaking hours of trying to get this thing to stay together, we finally did it. We decorated it very minimally. We walked away because, well, it was like some kind of weird torture putting this thing together. But unfinished projects drive me nuts so, not unlike a slave driver, I made the Texan sit there with me and help me until it was finished.

Half falling apart and all twisted and screwed, we left it on the table. Only to come back into the room to find that my dear beloved dog (rest his soul) had taken it off the table and was happily munching on it. That was it. I was done. I swore them off forever.

Just on a random *#&$*@) note, the dog NEVER, and I mean NEVER took ANYTHING off the table. In the 17 years we had him, he never ever took anything off the table. You could put a steak in front of the dog and say no and go grocery shopping and he would leave that steak alone. But no. He ate the gingerbread sleigh. He knew. He must have known that it was evil. He ate it to rid the world of it. He was protecting the pack.

This has become a running joke (if we don’t laugh we will cry) with the Texan and I. Mr. B has been poking fun at me for weeks telling me we should get a gingerbread house kit. He never put one together before I think. So I showed him up. I bought one. And I told him he had to put it together.

Somehow the agreement was made that HE would put it together and I would decorate it. I think he was trying to take pity on me or something, murmuring something about how the decorating was the fun part. Fun my ass.

But I agreed. First because I wasn’t going to let the gingerbread demon defeat me and also because it was worth the pain to see what was an inevitable bout of serious Christmas frustration about to fall so righteously upon Mr. B’s head. Smug I was. Smug I shall remain.

It must be said there was a bit of cheating on his part going on. First off, the damn thing had a stand. It had grooves that you filled with frosting so that the walls of the house would stay. No such thing is available when it comes to putting the roof on. Vengeance is mine.

I watched intently as he happily unpacked the pieces, filled with holly jolly and thinking he was going to show me up. I waited, saying nothing, poised with my camera.

So Care Free...Little Does He Know...

And he started to happy fill the grooves with frosting to keep the walls of his beloved, and seemingly innocent, gingerbread house stable

Yes, that's right, smile before entering your demise. That's how they get you.

Not to get out of chronological order here, but the smile was creepy…because he normally looks like this most of the time

Mr B in his natural state, right before the evil gingerbread house filled his head with false joy

At about this point Mr. B was getting rather smug. “How easy this is!” he exclaimed, filled the pre made grooves with frosting and happily watching his gingerbread walls stand up just fine. And also at about this point, the Texan walked in (he’s the headless one in the Texan shirt) smirking. That’s right, he knew what was coming.

The Texan shaking his non-existent head at poor poor Mr B and his delusions that this house was going to be easy to make

And away Mr. B went. Plugging away with his frosting. He got one wall up. Then two. Then three.

Then, frosting canal or not, they started to fall down.

He picked them back up. Then fell again. He kept a smile on his face. But they fell again. And one more time.

Finally he got them up. All four of them. He was murmuring at this point and I was nice enough NOT to take pictures of his misfortune (I’ve been there, I know…).

There was a little bit of swearing because there were smudges of frosting on the walls of the house from having to pick them up with sticky covered fingers when they kept falling.

Then came the roof. He slathered it with frosting and pressed it on. It fell.

It slid.

It wouldn’t stay.

NOW came the real swearing! NOW came the bargaining “If it would just stay…” he was growling…

Among some of the phrases I heard, and some I won’t repeat I think I heard “They didn’t make this right” and “how are you supposed to” the most. I didn’t take pictures. Well, I didn’t take too many pictures. I took this one though. This was his 987th attempt at the roof

The contempt for the gingerbread house has blossomed

Most of you may think that look on his face, the one that is somewhere between a forced contented smile and severe constipation is actually a look of a patience filled man with the Christmas Spirit. It is not. He was pretty pissed at this point and highly aware of the camera.

This dragged on about another hour. I was snickering while he was swearing, shaking my head in the “I told you so” fashion. He didn’t think it was funny. I couldn’t help it. I’m a bad person.

That damn frosting dries pretty fast into a brittle, nasty, flaky mess. Good I suppose to keep it together. Bad because you have to work fast because it dries so quick and you end up putting more and more and more frosting on until you are either out of frosting or the house is held together with 4 foot thick frosting on either side.

He murmured something about using caulk and how it would taste better than the frosting. I laughed, told him no that’s cheating, and continued to watch.

Finally, he had it up. And by up I mean smears all over the roof with frosting and very precariously balanced roof sides that were dangerously close to looking as if the owner of this gingerbread house was getting a letter of condemnation from their township. But! It was up! And it wasn’t bad, really, for a freakin gingerbread house.

One last check to make sure it wasn’t going to blow over…

House inspection. You'll notice the happy people on the box look nothing like Mr. B

He promptly gets up from the table, announces he’s done, and that I have to decorate it. Actually what he said was:

“I’m done with that f*&#ing thing.”

Well stated.

He tried to convince me that it only took a half an hour for the frosting to dry. That’s what it said on the box. I told him no way, no how, no chance am I even touching that thing until the next morning. I’m not going to go decorating that thing unless it’s been sitting at least that long without falling apart. I had hope that I would wake up and the thing would be all fallen apart so I wouldn’t have to decorate it. No such luck. All night I worried about it, like the next morning I would be in front of the firing squad. Would it fall? Would there be enough frosting? Gingerbread houses and the people that invented them are evil. Evil evil. They hate us all.

Fast forward to the next morning. My Pookis drops by to pick up some perfume I made her (see how much I love her) and I, after about half an hour of stalling, tell her about the gingerbread house. She offers to take pictures while I do it. Okie doke. Oh boy.

So I start putting the frosting on the roof of the house.

The Hell Begins

Mind you, Pookis isn’t really there to just take pictures. She likes to yell orders too. She is very bossy and even more impatient. Keep in mind she doesn’t actually HAVE the patience to do things like this, but she sure does like to tell YOU how to do them. We’ve been told we should have a cooking/crafting show together where I make everything and she yells orders at me while I’m doing it.

This is all in good fun, you realize. I don’t mean to suggest she doesn’t bark and get pissy, cause she really does, but she also knows she does it, and laughs about it.  And when you look at her and say “YOU DO IT” she’ll tell you no, that she can’t do it. At least she’s honest! And hilarious! Mix her yelling orders at me and me giving her snide remarks about shutting her talk hole and apparently people find this interaction pretty funny.

As I’m putting the frosting on she’s yelling at me to TWIST the frosting bag don’t SQUEEZE it. And twist it from the BIG end not the little one. This ends up with her grabbing the bag out of my hand and twisting it for me and handing it back. Hey! Less work for me!

Now it’s time to spread the frosting. I used a spreading knife. Seems logical.

Spreading the evil frosting

At about this point I notice that the frosting is leaving lines as I’m spreading it. I’m actually not bad with frosting, but this isn’t frosting, it’s pure white flaky sugary evil.

Pookis is barking at me that I need to use a spatula. Then it wouldn’t leave such big lines. Use a spatula. SPATULA.

OK! I go get a spatula.

Yeah, bigger lines indeed. Not to mention the spatula is really flexible so it kind of just drags the top of layer of frosting off with it when you are trying to spread it around. And the frosting is now drying and flaking off.

Pookis is barking “It’s DRYING! It’s DRYING! Stop putting more on? Why are you putting more on? It’s drying and flaking. It’s gonna look like crap…why are you putting so much on?”

I’m arguing that the butter knife was better. She’s arguing that it leaves too many lines. All the while the evil frosting is laughing at us and drying into an evermore hard and brittle tool of Satan. (Well, that’s what it felt like anyway).

We compromise. I’ll use the STUPID butter knife to spread the STUPID frosting onto the STUPID roof and then I’ll use the STUPID spatula to smooth the STUPID frosting out. Sonofabitch!

I do the roof and just decide screw it, screw it, SCREW it, the lines are staying and it’ll have to look like snow drifts. Pookis nods and agrees. There was simply a very windy blizzard that hit the house’s neighborhood. That’s all.

Stupid Blizzards.

Now I’ve got to do the top of the roof. *&@!

The picture shows big dollops on the top of the roof. Sort of like you see on the rim of a cake. Ok, I can do that. So I start doing that. Enter Pookis

“Squeeze out a bunch of frosting and keep the nozzle in the middle and then lift up and it’ll make a dollop.”

She says this AS I’m doing it. Duh.

“You’re not making them big enough, look at the picture, they are bigger. They aren’t big enough.”

FOR *@&’S SAKE!

“You know the candies are supposed to go on top. The peppermint ones. You have to have more frosting or they aren’t going to stay”

I give in, I GLOB frosting on top in hopes of keeping the stupid star mints on the roof. I did ask why it HAD to be like the picture about a million times. BUT NO! NO ONE LISTENS TO ME!

BIG ENOUGH GLOBS FOR YA?

The frustration is rising in me at this point. I want to run it over. I want to chuck it at my yuppie neighbor whom I can’t stand. I want to light it aflame. But I don’t.

“Take a deep breath” my Pookis says. Yes, deep breath indeed. Thank you. Of course three seconds later it’s

“You better put those mints on, the frosting is gonna dry and they aren’t going to stay and then…”

ALRIGHT ALREADY!

So I stick the mints on.

WHY DO THE MINTS HAVE TO GO ON TOP OF THE HOUSE ANYWAY!

I get the rest of the mints on. Then one starts falling backward.

“It’s FALLING! It’s going crooked. It’s gonna fall!” Yeah I see that.

I fix it. It falls again. Again. One more time.

“Put more frosting behind it. No behind it. Put a big glob there. No! BEHIND IT!”

Jesus Mary and Joseph.

Right. Now that all the mints are on I hear

“Jess. One of the mints is backwards. It doesn’t have the stripe on it. There’s no stripe. And that’s facing the front of the house. There’s no stripe. It’s gonna look funny. All the other ones have the stripes facing the same direction”

*sigh* At this point, I don’t care if there’s a freaking DOG TURD adorning the front of this abomination of nature. But I refuse to let it defeat me. I turn the house around.  I soon realize that it’s a just a lone mint problem. That mint doesn’t have stripes printed on both sides. The rest do. That one is the lone mint ruining the top of the gingerbread house. I try to pull it off to turn it around. No dice. Frosting dried.

“It’s gonna flake off. Don’t pull it. It’s gonna fall off. Are you gonna pull it? It’s gonna look funny.”

A single blank mint. DEAR GOD! ALL IS RUINED! ABANDON SHIP!

I should have abandoned ship. I should have sat on the gingerbread house after I ate a huge bowl of double bean chili topped with Habanero relish and a couple of Budweiser’s. I didn’t. I refused to be defeated. I handled with great care, actually, this mint crisis. I turned lovingly to my Pookis and said, with some *ahem* passion:

“IT’LL BE F&*@ING FINE!”

She took a picture just to rub it in

But it's fine from the other side. As fine as it can be anyway

Now came time to decorate the roof. Great. They give you this teeny tiny bag of frosting with little “v’s” imprinted on it. I guess that was where you were supposed to cut it so you could pipe it out. I don’t know. We argued about that for a couple of minutes before we decided just to cut one of the ends off.

“Just snip a little off! Just a little! Just a TINY little corner. Less than you think!”

Right. Cause I’ve never used a piping bag before.

I do realize there are grooves for you to follow on this stupid ass house, but they do no good. The frosting is a weird consistency and it’s not as easy as it looks. A Wilton Cake specialist I am not.

WHO THE HELL DECORATES THEIR ROOF ANYWAY?!?

“They’re messy. You are putting too much on. The loops are too big. Follow the grooves!”

So I turn to my dear Pookis and I say “YOU DO IT THEN!”

She snatches her hands away and puts them very close to her chest as if she’s afraid the frosting bag will magnetically adhere to her hands if they are exposed.

“No!” she says

“AND WHY WOULD THAT BE?” I ask

“Because I can’t do any better.” she says

At this point Mr. B is standing over us laughing hysterically telling us we need our own cooking show. I just about throw the bag at her and get up from the chair. I fold my arms and nod my head. She’s doing it. Whether she likes it or not.

Not so bossy when the frosting bag is in YOUR hand are ya, Pookis?

It doesn’t take but a loop and a half before she’s frustrated. I told you she doesn’t have much patience. But we are all giggling at this point. Probably because if we don’t we’ll cry.

The sum of me and Pookis's work on one side of the roof. TRY IT BEFORE YOU JUDGE!

Mr. B is still laughing at us at this point. So we tagged team him and put the frosting bag in HIS hand this time.

Mr B's loop attempt. Butthead.

Of course his is much better. We both agree he’s a butthead and are thankful that he has to leave for work because we are embarrassed now.

Now onto the doors and windows. For the love of God. They are TINY! And the detail is just ridiculous. You can’t possible get detail like that with piping bags. I almost busted out the toothpicks until I remembered that I hate this thing and I wished it dead and just wanted it over with. Pookis at this point is checking her phone

“Are you gonna decorate the whole thing? This is going to take forever!” and continued to check her email and Facebook.

I did the stupid door

Elizabeth Arden?

“IT LOOKS LIKE CRAP! THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE” I shout

“It’s cause you are putting too much on.” she doesn’t even look up at from her Iphone as she says this. I murmur under my breath about then maybe SHE should do it.

Then I do the stupid windows

Really? Shutters on a gingerbread house? COME ON!

I try to stick on a couple of candy canes at the front of the house. But Frosty, who is being a lazy ass just standing there in the yard, is in the way. So I only end up putting one candy cane on by the front door.

“You can just go around the other side of him” she says

No. Cause I’ll knock him over or break him or something. So I put the other candy cane on the back door. Pookis does not approve. Too bad! There are no rules in HELL!

I then try to decorate Frosty the FREAKIN Snowman. He’s SO tiny. The piping bags aren’t small enough. And he needs to be white and the piping bag with the nozzle on it is WAY too big.

“Just cut the bag open. Take the nozzle off and…”

No. Stop right there, I tell her. That’s too much work for just Frosty. I start making his eyes and mouth. She’s laughing at me because globs of frosting and coming out from his eyeballs and mouth.

“WIPE OFF THE NOZZLE” she demands. I do that. It didn’t help. I try to trace his arms out. That didn’t work too well.

“MAKE SURE YOU PUT THE RED STRIPE IN HIS HAT”

*SIGH*

Then the buttons proved a challenge. The things they give you for buttons are too big. Pookis is convinced they break the candy. So she goes up to the counter and starts trying to break the candies. It doesn’t work. They are apparently made of diamond. I overrule her and stick GLOBS of frosting on frosting and stick 2 candies instead of 3 on him with frosting. Too bad. Frosty will take the buttons I give him and like it.

The picture on the box (just for reference, I’d like to burn at the stake whoever put a picture of what it’s “supposed” to look like on the box. So that kids and Pookis’s worldwide can bother their parents/BFF’s about how the thing is SUPPOSED to look) has icicles falling from the roof. You read that right. Frosting icicles . Pookis won’t let me get away with just putting on some regular old globs. It has to be icicles .

So, on the first side I made long, thin drips of frosting to emulate this.

This is not easy. The frosting wants to touch the house. It wants to break off. It wants to not dry mid air.

“That looks horrible. They are much bigger on the picture. Make them thicker. THICKER!”

WHY AM I DOING THIS TO MYSELF?

 

I AM MAKING THEM THICKER! Or I’m trying anyway. I make them as thick as humanly possibly. I follow the roof line all the way around and put icicles all over them. It’ll have to do.

I fill the pathway in front with frosting and stick some spice drops and Spree candies in the walkway, cause that’s what the picture has. I don’t have enough green frosting left to stick candies to the frame of the house so I used spice drops and white frosting and stuck them on. I then got up from the table and handed Pookis a bag of little candies and told her she’s responsible for putting Christmas Lights on top of the house. So she globbed away sticking little different colored candies all over the roof. I was too tired and traumatized at this point to bark orders at her in retaliation. I did dishes. Dishes are super cathartic compared to this. And I hate dishes.

Finally it was done. We both looked like we’d been through war. Hair mussed, out of breath, faces red. We stood looking at it as if it was some type of horrible reptile or predator we had just killed after fighting with it for an hour.

Yeah, I know. You can see the blank mint on top. Shut up.

We had a cup of coffee. We could have used a shot of Southern Comfort.And a crack pipe chaser.

What I want to know: HOW THE HELL DID PEOPLE DO THIS BEFORE THEY HAD KITS? SERIOUSLY? BAKE IT YOURSELF AND USE HOME MADE NON CAULK FROSTING!?!?! F*&K THAT!

But now as I sit here typing, this horrible evil spawn of Satan sitting calmly in my field of vision, taunting me with it’s gingerbread taintedness and staring at me with it’s globby frosted hatred, I am calm. I am serene. I have a plan.

At midnight on Dec. 26, 2011, technically AFTER Christmas is over, I will take my little evil gingerbread house. I will take it and place it in a huge bowl.

I will dissolve in 2 bottles of Jack Daniels and drink it to absorb it’s power.

While the Ginger Jack infusion is dribbling down my Christmas sweater I will light the box on fire, igniting first the happy people on the back picture who look like they are having SO. MUCH.FUN and laugh maniacally before burying the ashes in the my yard.

THAT is what I’m gonna do.

This is the world’s perfect gift for an enemy. Buy one for your boss and one for each of his/her children as well. For that PTA mom who gives you shit about not showing up to every meeting. To that asshole UPS driver who throws your packages from across the lawn. Do it. You know you want to.

But if you want to go out and get a gingerbread kit to torture yourself and your children with, go right ahead. When it’s all finished and you and the kiddies are huddled in the corner in frosted color aprons, sweating, shaking, crying and your kids hate you later in life and make you pay for their therapy don’t say I didn’t warm you.

Stupid Chocolate Covered Pretzels

Yet another thing I cannot eat. Chocolate covered pretzels. They satisfy the salty and the sweet and they are probably one of the worst things for you ever. On top of the deep fried twinkie. Pure sugar wrapped around pure carb. I can feel my body breaking down thinking about it.

They make great gifts though. At least great gifts for those people who refuse to listen to you (and a bunch of experts, doctors, history, primal biology, etc) that sugar is the enemy and fat isn’t gonna hurt ya. But I digress…

I initially wanted to make these as a gift to send to my friends and family who don’t live in the area. Duh. They’re gonna go stale and they will probably break. Course, my dumb ass didn’t actually THINK of this until half way through making them. Yep. Herp Derp. I think I gotta case of the Christmas wanna-makes. You know, around the holidays when you just get sudden urges to do super crafty things. Or, I get those urges anyway. I get them all year round though. I NEED to MAKE things.

If you don’t know how to make chocolate covered pretzels, it’s completely utterly ridiculously easy. I could have taken the long route. I could have tempered my own chocolate, etc. I’ve done that before. It’s hard. It’s annoying. It’s REALLY tasty, much MUCH tastier than the stupid melt wafers you buy at the store however it requires much more knowledge and time. Crafting chocolate is actually half art, half science. But of course in the US you can buy any supposed “chocolate crafting” supplies at any craft store. Don’t fool yourself. That’s not real chocolate. Real tempered chocolate doesn’t melt when you pick it up. Real chocolate doesn’t have a waxy coating. Real chocolate doesn’t taste just like chocolate flavored sugar. If that’s not enough evidence for you, then go to your local confectionery and eat a filled bon bon. Then try to make one at home with the readily available chocolate wafer and filling nonsense at the store. They won’t even taste remotely like the same food.

But since I have no nibs, no tempering equipment and no time, it’ll have to do. One day I WILL have the table top chocolate tempering machine, oh yes. Ok, it takes away from the romance of REAL chocolate crafting but too bad. It’s a cool gadget.

As far as these chocolate pretzels…..It’s the thought that counts damnit! And honestly, most of my friends and family (save one or two) aren’t foodies. I’ll take them to a restaurant that serves the most delicious pate, or an organic farm with the freshest raw milk and they are looking for the next cheeseburger fix. They are typical Americans: If it’s carb loaded or sweet, they’ll love it. I used to try to convert them. Now I just bank on it.

When I went to go get the chocolate wafers, I noticed they have “pretzel” molds. You can pour the chocolate into little molds so it’s a shape or a design on top of the pretzel. That’s not really my thing, but hey, if you like it go for it.

You’ll need:

Chocolate wafers—I bought red. I thought it would be Christmasy. Instead it turned out looking like dripping blood. Even cooler.

Pretzel Rods

A coffee cup. The taller the better. Make sure it’s microwavable.

A bunch of other shorter coffee cups.

A spoon.

A microwave.

This is a good kids craft cause it’s so easy. So first:

Creepy Franken-Chocolate

Fill the cup with wafers. Not completely but maybe 1/2 to 3/4 of the way. Microwave on DEFROST for about 30 seconds. Mind you, you should NOT microwave on high, or for long periods because heating the chocolate too much too fast will ruin it’s consistency. You’ll be stuck with a gross mess.

Take it out of the microwave and stir. They probably aren’t really melted at this point, but they are getting soft.

Put them back for another 30 seconds. Stir again. Here is where you will probably notice the creepiness of these chocolate-like-wafer-products. They kind of retain their shape even after they melt. It’s not until you STIR them that they kind of go liquidy. Weird. Frankenfood.

If at this point you can stir and get it nice and smooth, don’t worry about how hot it is. The nature of this type of chocolate is that you don’t actually want it very hot. You can zap it for 5 or 10 seconds if it hardens up on you. Just don’t overdo it.

Slow Yo Roll

Once you’ve got your chocolate nice and silky, you roll your pretzel in it. Just roll it, don’t dip it. Rolling it kind of creates a nice effect, dipping it will give you funky ends.

I tend to like the chocolate a little on the cooler side, that way you can get MORE chocolate on the stick without having to wait for it to harden and doing another dip. I’m impatient. We know this.

Drippy Blood Like Sticks...So Much For Christmas Red

Now to let them harden up. This is where the extra coffee cups come in. Just put them in the coffee cup pointing outwards. You can put several in the cup just to to make sure they aren’t touching each other, and let them harden.

And VIOLA! Instant cute little tasty gifts. Keep in mind they don’t last forever so make these literally at the last minute. Unlike me. And don’t taunt diabetics with them because we will hate you.

Bread is a moody bitch

Bread and I don’t get along. It’s not just the diabetes. It sincerely hates me.

I love bread. No. Let me correct myself: I love eating bread. Probably because I can’t have it. Bread and peppered olive oil is my favorite thing ever. I mistakenly thought I would love making it too. I don’t. Mostly because out of the 500 times I’ve tried to make it, I’ve had about 5 good loaves. No. I’m not joking.

My obsession with making bread started with a bread machine I bought at a thrift store about ten years ago. It was 5 bucks and it seemed like such a cool idea. I even bought a bread machine cookbook with it. Yet, I couldn’t get consistently good loaves. I followed the recipe exactly. I even busted out the thermometer to check the temperature of the water. Nope. Still crappy loaves.

About every ten loaves it’d throw me a good one. Just enough to keep my hopes up. Eventually I got pissed and gave it away.

A few years later I ran into my kitchen aid. Boy do I love my kitchen aid. One of the main reasons I got it: the dough hook! Hey! I could do this! It was the machine making crappy bread not me! Yeah. Right.

Consistently crappy loaves still. I tried every recipe known to man. Same thing. Maybe one or two good loaves.

To make matters much worse, Mr Super, former pastry chef turned truck driver who also happens to live here, decided to give it a try on one of his days home. I watched him. He didn’t even follow the recipe exactly! He was throwing pinches here and handfuls there, not even measuring. I gasped at this blaspheme. I giggled cruelly to myself: couldn’t wait until his bread came out all nasty so I could say I told you so and feel better about myself.

But it didn’t. It came out perfect. Boy was I pissed. So. I did what any green with envy aspiring bread artist would do. I made him do it again. And again. One more time. Perfect golden loaves each time. The bastard.

Next I made him supervise me. I made him tell me what to do, just like he’d done it. Door stop bread.

I made him write down the recipe so I could try it when he wasn’t home. Same thing. Crap bread.

He swore to me that bread just didn’t like some people. That his mother couldn’t make bread to save her life but his step dad, who didn’t do much cooking, could bake bread like a pro. The goofy trucker he is he insisted that I don’t talk nice enough to the ingredients while I’m doing it. That he whistles tunes and is all happy while he’s measuring and so is his step dad. So I tried that.

No. I’m not kidding. I really did try it.

I stood in my kitchen forcing a smile and appealing to the yeast. “I just want to be able to make bread for my family, you see” I appealed to the evil flour.

Yet another doorstop.

At this point he claimed that the yeast, which was a living thing after all, could sense my insincerity. That was it. I’d had enough. If I needed bread, I’d just buy it. I don’t expect you to understand how hard that was for me. I don’t just “buy” anything. If I can make it, I make it, and I like doing it too. Bread was quickly becoming my nemesis.

So my dough hook sat lonely in a drawer for another couple years.

I tried my hand a few times at making bread kneading with my own hands. Nope. Still messed up every load in some way. Didn’t rise. Too doughy. Too dry. Too heavy. I added flour, I added water, I added more yeast. I bought all new ingredients. Nothing. Yet Mr. Super would do it and out comes perfect bread even when we worked side by side out of the same damn cookbook.

Maybe there was something to this yeast not liking certain people thing.

I repeated this cycle yet again with another bread machine I found at a garage sale. It was a super fancy one that could make rice and jam and everything. I made rice and jam like once. I made bread.  Loaf after loaf with yet again only a few good loaves. Yet Mr. Super’s came out perfect.

So I eventually gave that one away too. Stupid machine.

I tried again the old fashioned way. I tried sour dough rye. The instructions read to me like Greek but I have it my best shot. The starter was great. The bread itself sucked. Was blood awful in fact. It smelled like socks and beer and it didn’t rise.

I tried the kitchen aid again and back to the old fashioned way again. Nothing was improving my odds no matter how fresh my ingredients, how perfect the recipes, how adjusted my techniques. And all I kept hearing was maybe yeast just didn’t like me. I thought I was beaten. I was pretty sure I was. I had accepted it for the most part: I suck at making bread.

Then I, completely by happenstance, came across a machine called the Zojirushi Home Bakery. It’s a bread machine. It’s THEE bread machine. This puppy was like $300 and I had convinced myself, as desperate people will do, that this was going to solve all my problems. It made jam, it made cake, it made meatloaf for the love of God. And most importantly it made bread.

The Home Bakery

I fancied myself not a fool this time. Perhaps it was my bread  machines all along, and not me! Mind you I completely ignored the fact that Mr. Super seemed to be able to make perfect bread in the same bread machines that gave me crap.

Smug and self assured, I researched it like crazy. It always got good reviews. There were a few peppered here and there about how the blades needed replaced too often, but nothing about door stop or non risen bread. This was the one for me. So I bought it. And I used it. I used to make cake. Make jam. But I was afraid to use it to make bread. Until one day I got the balls to do it just using the manual’s recipe. By God, it came out great.

Alright, alright. I talked myself down. Maybe it was just a fluke. So I made another loaf. It was good. By the time I got to my fifth loaf, it had once again descended into bread hell. Door stops, unrisen, too doughy. But I was get MORE good loaves than I had before, that’s progess.

That’s where I am at right now. More and more good loaves. Just like anything else I learned I had to improvise but not mess with the recipe TOO much. Some of the really funky breads I tried didn’t come out but then I didn’t really expect them to. Just for reference: Cheesy Jalapneno Cajun Bread…not so good.

So here I am, still making bread. I learned what dough should look like. It should bounce around the maker, nice and elastic, once it’s on it’s second knead. Too dry or too doughy and it won’t rise. More important, peaking constantly at the bread by opening the top isn’t a good idea. It really does affect it. This machine has a preheat cycle, so I don’t have to worry AS much about the temperature of the water. I still make sure it’s luke warm though. As far as wheat bread goes, I don’t know. I’m the wrong person to ask. Not a single loaf of wheat bread I’ve ever made has come out. Go figure.

I recently ran out of bread flour. I bought a 25 lb bag of it awhile back and used that up trying to figure out how to make the perfect loaf. So now I’m stuck with white flour only. I don’t tend to USE a lot of flour unless I’m baking, which I do mostly around the holidays, so I don’t opt for the super expensive stuff. But I’d heard all bread flour is is regular flour with gluten. About a year back I found Gluten on clearance at the grocery store, super cheap too. I bought a bunch of it thinking it would help my bread making adventures. Note to self: Adding TOO much gluten makes the bread rise too much and then it falls. Just like yeast. I’ve had that happen a million and one times.

Yesterday we were out of bread for lunches, so off I went to make some more. I altered the recipe from the manual a bit.

1 1/3 cups of water

4 1/4 cups white flour

4 TB Sugar

2 TB dry milk

2 tsp salt

2 1/2 TB butter

3 tsp active dry yeast

3 TB gluten

Don’t just throw everything together, there is actually a method to this madness. Whereas most recipes call for bread flour, like I said, this one is altered by the addition of gluten AND an extra teaspoon of yeast. If you’ve got bread flour, skip the gluten and reduce the yeast by a teaspoon.

Dual Paddles Baby

Ok, now you can’t just go all willy nilly and throw the stuff in there. Because it won’t work. It really won’t I’ve tried it. You have to add the liquid first. Make sure it’s roughly room temperature, maybe a little warmer. Too hot and it’ll kill the yeast. Too cold and it won’t rise. Don’t let the liquid ever come in contact with the yeast when you put the stuff together. Why, I dunno. But it does make a difference.

Then add your flour. Kind of sprinkle it around the machine so it’s even. It’s worth noting here that if you have more than one paddle on your machine make sure they are both facing the same way or you’ll get lopsided bread.

Now you add your dry stuff, save the yeast. The dry milk, the salt, the sugar, the gluten. It’s important to sprinkle these ingredients around the sides of the pan so that they don’t come in contact with the yeast prematurely, especially the salt.

Now add the butter. Chop it up into little bits and pepper it around the sides.

Now comes the yeast. I like to make a little well in the middle of the flour, kind of like you do when you are making pasta, and put the yeast in there. Set it on a regular crust cycle (depending on your taste) for white bread.

Make a well to put the yeast in

You are done. Now you hold your breath and pray. Now you decide to leave the house because you can’t stand waiting 3 hours to find out if you are a total failure.

I peaked. It was looking a little lumpy, but it was only the first knead so I held out hope.

It might look lumpy at first

One holiday shopping trip later and my bread is done.

And it actually came out good. This time. It was a LITTLE more crusty than I’d like, but hell I’ll take it.

The bread cooling. It didn't suck! Yay!

Thank God this machine makes loaves that look somewhat normal instead of those weird vertical loaves

I put the crust setting on medium and I wish I would have done light. But I was afraid to do that, what if it didn’t cook? When I’ve toasted up home made bread before it gets MUCH harder than regular store bought bread so make sure if you are gonna toast it, you use a lighter dough cycle, that seems to help. Or if it IS too hard when it’s toasted, make milk toast. Again, not something I can normally eat (BUT DEAR GOD I LOVE IT), but it’s so damn good, and something that you really can’t do with store bought bread. Just toast up your home made bread, put it in a bowl, cover with milk and butter, and microwave that bad boy until the butter is melted. Then eat it. It’s like a soupy, yummy, milky, buttery bowl of goodness. (Made myself go into a carb fit overe here).

Storing home made bread is a bitch too. Let me save you a bunch of heartbreak by giving you these pointers. There’s nothing worse than getting a great loaf that goes crusty and moldy in 2 days:

Don’t bother with fancy bread holder tupperware nonsense. Yes, this is me, the kitchen gadget QUEEN telling you this. Don’t waste your money. No matter how many vent holes it has, it’ll either mold or go hard.

You can wrap it in foil and leave it on the counter but keep in mind it’s really annoying to wrap and unwrap. Ditto on plastic wrap.

Don’t put it in the fridge, it’ll dry out.

Don’t put it in the freezer, same thing.

Linen bread bags are ok I guess, but they are usually too small and kind of a pain to get the bread in and out of.

Just as an FYI, I’ve never successfully frozen unbaked bread dough no matter what I do to it. It doesn’t rise once it’s out of the freezer. If I could pull this off I SO would.

THE BEST method I’ve found to keep home made bread fresh, soft, and anti moldy for the longest time is putting it in a grocery bag. Just a regular old plastic grocery bag on the counter. Simple, effective, and free. It works perfectly. All my years of buying this and that and trying to invent a bread holder and it was staring me in the face the whole time. So simple. Damnit.

Also, don’t slice it before you use it. Slice as you go. Otherwise the bread is stale. Mind you, slice thinner than you think. We have a tendency to slice REALLY big slices when it’s not needed.

Speaking of slicing, I have a gadget for that. On my second bread machine garage sale purchase they had this. A wooden fold up bread slicer. Just put your knife in the grooves and perfect slices. Cut the bread when it’s cooled down a bit, otherwise you run the risk of it deflating. And use a serrated long knife. They work the best.

Fold Up Bread Slicing Guide

Here it is open

Only problem is, for me anyway, once you do this long enough you don’t need the guide to slice any more. You just do it naturally. I don’t know why I kept this thing. It is cool though.

Free Hand Slicing

If you followed this recipe and your bread came out screwed, please don’t blame the recipe. Don’t blame yourself. Don’t blame the machine. It’s fate. It’s God. It’s bread, the cruel bitch. She’s moody. Just try again. And again. Eventually, you’ll probably get it. Maybe you won’t. Maybe bread really IS one of those thing some people can do and others can’t, but you never know until you try. God knows I’ve been trying. I suspect I’m NOT a person bread likes, but maybe I can play pretend with it.

And if you don’t have the patience to keep trying, then start buying stock in wonderbread, grab your machine, go to your driveway and drop kick your machine before you drive over it. No one will blame you.

What A Crock

I have a love hate relationship with my Crock Pot. I LOVE it because it’s so easy. I hate it because it’s really not as versatile as I once believed.

Chicken, for example. Seems like most chicken made in the slower cooker pretty much tastes the same no matter what I do to it. Perhaps that’s just me. Plus it’s annoying because it falls off the bone and while that’s usually a good thing it’s still a pain to try to serve up.

My slow cooker isn’t a new model. It’s one of the old, ugly ones with 2 functions: Low and High. And the handle is broken. And it’s stained to high hell. And I won’t get rid of it until it craps out on me. I’ve toyed for about 8 years with getting one of the new fancy digital ones, but I just can’t do it. I can’t forsake my old faithful.

I still wouldn’t ever be without a slow cooker, mind you, and some things are heavenly in the Crock Pot. Namely: Pot Roast.

This is super simple. It pleases every time. I love it too. Totally diabetes friendly.

You gotta get a good cut of meat though. I use grass fed. No, you don’t have to. To me, grass fed is one of those things that’s worth the extra money for the taste and health benefits. Grain fed meat is evil. Evil evil stuff. Bad for you too. But as always do what you can do and what you can afford.

Start with beef.

Three Cowgirls Chuck Roast

I bought this at the Farmer’s Market early this year. It’s Chuck Roast. I’m so pissed I didn’t get more. The beef from this place never fails. It’s always amazing, though I don’t know that they actually ship during the winter. You can go to threecowgirls.com. I can’t rave enough about them. Next year I’m hoping to get half a beef.

Just for reference, I don’t add vegetables to my slow cooker pot roast. Veggies in the slow cooker tend to get over cooked and mushy and weird. Yes, sometimes they add flavor, but for this I normally don’t. Now put the beef in the pot. I leave the bone in. It adds flavor.

Now you’re going to add onion soup mix. I make my own onion soup mix (that’s for a different post), but if you don’t about 2 envelopes will do the trick.

Homemade Onion Soup Mix

Get about a cup and a half of really hot water and dissolve the mix into that. Add seasoning salt and pepper to your beef to taste, I usually use a teaspoon or so each, then dump the dissolved soup mix on top. Don’t add TOO much liquid remember. You’re making kind of an onion soup concentrate. Slow cookers keep juices and water in, and trust me there will be enough liquid.

Hmmm, dried onions.

Now turn that bad boy on low for about 8 hours and you’ll have awesome pot roast. Really soft, too if you’ve got a decent cut of meat. Now comes the sides. Well, you can serve whatever you want. I had a busy day, so I knew it was gonna be easy sides.

I made instant mashed potatoes. I can hear the jeers now. Ok, people, listen. I don’t actually EAT mashed potatoes, real or instant, very often. (Stupid diabetes). However, I grew up with a single working mother and there was no way she was gonna peel and boil mashed potatoes for dinner on weekdays. So I learned very quickly how to doctor up instant mashed potatoes. Here’s one of my variations.

Water, milk, butter and salt for instant tatoes

Follow the directions on the package. I don’t any more, I just wing it, but if you aren’t comfortable with the instant type follow the directions or you’ll end up with a globby mess. I generally add a little extra salt because otherwise they are pretty plain. Ditto on the butter.

Make the potatoes slightly thicker than you normally would be adding just a little more flakes than calls for. Once those are done you are going to add (stay with me now): Ranch dressing, sour cream, scallions and mozzarella cheese to the potatoes. Just trust me. It’s good.

There’s no hard and fast rule to how much you should add. You don’t want to add a ton of sour cream and dressing because it’ll make the potatoes really runny. If I had to guess I’d say I add about 1/4 cup of each to the mix and a big ole handful of cheese, then about two scallions.

Now mix the hell out of it.

Mixed instant doctored potatoes

The cheese will melt nicely with the heat of the potatoes. They are REALLY good. Trust me. Now it’s time to take the roast out of the pot and make the gravy.

Looks good, don't it?

Now remove most of the juice from the bottom and add it to a saucepan to make gravy.

Gravy is one of those things that, not unlike bread, you either are great at or suck at. I generally suck at it. So I’ve come up with a couple ways to cheat.

I’ve been told over and over again that all you have to do is add a slurry of cornstarch to thicken it and maybe a little bit of seasoning. Bullcrap. I’ve done that and I always come out with bland runny gravy. So I made my own trick.

When it comes to brown gravies, just add a packet of turkey gravy mix to it. I suppose you could use brown gravy but I like turkey gravy. Works every time. It doesn’t over power the taste of the natural juices, indeed it just adds a bit of flavor, and it thickens it up very nicely. This is just MY way of doing it. If you can make gravy just fine on your own, good for you. Gravy hates me. So I had to come up with a creative way to make awesome gravy because well, I’m just not gravy talented.

So add your turkey gravy packet. Turn the heat up and whisk the crap out of it until it bubbles and thickens

That’s pretty much it for the gravy. It won’t be super thick, but with pot roast you don’t want it to be. Then I decided I wanted green beans. By “decided” I mean I had a leftover can in the cabinet from Thanksgiving’s green bean casserole.

Now for the salad. You’ll see a lot of salads here. It’s not a “health” thing, it’s a “diabetic” thing. If you have diabetes, you’ll learn to love them, trust me. So, my salad is gonna have organic greens, cucumbers, tomatoes, onions, green onions, ranch dressing and alfalfa sprouts. From my new sprout trays. Check them out. They rule.

Gadget Alert

So all this equals this:

I knew I’d want something sweet for after dinner, so I grabbed the half a honey crisp apple from the fridge I didn’t finish yesterday. They don’t go all brown and weird right away like normal apples, probably why they last so long, too. Check it out.

And dinner was served

And the diabetic version

Dinner sans the potatoes

Super good. Super juicy and flavorful, super simple, super everything. Next time you are feeling only slightly lazy, this is a good one to pull out. Plus it looks like way more work than it is. That’s always a plus.