Stupid Chocolate Covered Pretzels

Yet another thing I cannot eat. Chocolate covered pretzels. They satisfy the salty and the sweet and they are probably one of the worst things for you ever. On top of the deep fried twinkie. Pure sugar wrapped around pure carb. I can feel my body breaking down thinking about it.

They make great gifts though. At least great gifts for those people who refuse to listen to you (and a bunch of experts, doctors, history, primal biology, etc) that sugar is the enemy and fat isn’t gonna hurt ya. But I digress…

I initially wanted to make these as a gift to send to my friends and family who don’t live in the area. Duh. They’re gonna go stale and they will probably break. Course, my dumb ass didn’t actually THINK of this until half way through making them. Yep. Herp Derp. I think I gotta case of the Christmas wanna-makes. You know, around the holidays when you just get sudden urges to do super crafty things. Or, I get those urges anyway. I get them all year round though. I NEED to MAKE things.

If you don’t know how to make chocolate covered pretzels, it’s completely utterly ridiculously easy. I could have taken the long route. I could have tempered my own chocolate, etc. I’ve done that before. It’s hard. It’s annoying. It’s REALLY tasty, much MUCH tastier than the stupid melt wafers you buy at the store however it requires much more knowledge and time. Crafting chocolate is actually half art, half science. But of course in the US you can buy any supposed “chocolate crafting” supplies at any craft store. Don’t fool yourself. That’s not real chocolate. Real tempered chocolate doesn’t melt when you pick it up. Real chocolate doesn’t have a waxy coating. Real chocolate doesn’t taste just like chocolate flavored sugar. If that’s not enough evidence for you, then go to your local confectionery and eat a filled bon bon. Then try to make one at home with the readily available chocolate wafer and filling nonsense at the store. They won’t even taste remotely like the same food.

But since I have no nibs, no tempering equipment and no time, it’ll have to do. One day I WILL have the table top chocolate tempering machine, oh yes. Ok, it takes away from the romance of REAL chocolate crafting but too bad. It’s a cool gadget.

As far as these chocolate pretzels…..It’s the thought that counts damnit! And honestly, most of my friends and family (save one or two) aren’t foodies. I’ll take them to a restaurant that serves the most delicious pate, or an organic farm with the freshest raw milk and they are looking for the next cheeseburger fix. They are typical Americans: If it’s carb loaded or sweet, they’ll love it. I used to try to convert them. Now I just bank on it.

When I went to go get the chocolate wafers, I noticed they have “pretzel” molds. You can pour the chocolate into little molds so it’s a shape or a design on top of the pretzel. That’s not really my thing, but hey, if you like it go for it.

You’ll need:

Chocolate wafers—I bought red. I thought it would be Christmasy. Instead it turned out looking like dripping blood. Even cooler.

Pretzel Rods

A coffee cup. The taller the better. Make sure it’s microwavable.

A bunch of other shorter coffee cups.

A spoon.

A microwave.

This is a good kids craft cause it’s so easy. So first:

Creepy Franken-Chocolate

Fill the cup with wafers. Not completely but maybe 1/2 to 3/4 of the way. Microwave on DEFROST for about 30 seconds. Mind you, you should NOT microwave on high, or for long periods because heating the chocolate too much too fast will ruin it’s consistency. You’ll be stuck with a gross mess.

Take it out of the microwave and stir. They probably aren’t really melted at this point, but they are getting soft.

Put them back for another 30 seconds. Stir again. Here is where you will probably notice the creepiness of these chocolate-like-wafer-products. They kind of retain their shape even after they melt. It’s not until you STIR them that they kind of go liquidy. Weird. Frankenfood.

If at this point you can stir and get it nice and smooth, don’t worry about how hot it is. The nature of this type of chocolate is that you don’t actually want it very hot. You can zap it for 5 or 10 seconds if it hardens up on you. Just don’t overdo it.

Slow Yo Roll

Once you’ve got your chocolate nice and silky, you roll your pretzel in it. Just roll it, don’t dip it. Rolling it kind of creates a nice effect, dipping it will give you funky ends.

I tend to like the chocolate a little on the cooler side, that way you can get MORE chocolate on the stick without having to wait for it to harden and doing another dip. I’m impatient. We know this.

Drippy Blood Like Sticks...So Much For Christmas Red

Now to let them harden up. This is where the extra coffee cups come in. Just put them in the coffee cup pointing outwards. You can put several in the cup just to to make sure they aren’t touching each other, and let them harden.

And VIOLA! Instant cute little tasty gifts. Keep in mind they don’t last forever so make these literally at the last minute. Unlike me. And don’t taunt diabetics with them because we will hate you.


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